I know. My title comes off a little creepy, but it’s premise is true. My stepdaughter is scared of me and has been since she was old enough to really understand what was going on around her. And I wouldn’t change a thing about it. In fact, I think it’s one of the best things that has ever happened to our relationship. Seriously.
Now when I say she is “scared” of me, I am really talking about a healthy kind of fear that I think every stepkid should have for their stepmom. Let me explain.
I call her out.
If my stepdaughter starts pulling away, acting awkward or manipulative, I address it right then and there. No beating around the bush. There’s no getting anything past stepmom (or mom). In this house, we walk in truth and authenticity. And honestly, even if she dreads some of those uncomfortable moments, I know that deep down it makes her feel safe knowing someone is so tuned in to her emotions.
I call myself out.
There have been many, MANY times I have screwed up as a stepmom. Over the past 5 years, I have overreacted more than once. I have made comments about her other parent that I knew were not meant for her to hear. I have acted distant and cold when I am upset and OVER the drama in our blended family. No, I will never be the perfect stepmom, but what I can be is that person in her life who doesn’t pretend to be perfect. I can show her what it means to take responsibility for the things I do wrong instead of shoving it under the rug and acting like it never happened, leaving her alone to internalize words and situations she is too young to comprehend or process on her own. I’ve learned that kids may not like when we mess up, but they do love a sincere apology and are a lot more understanding and forgiving than we give them credit for.
I don’t feel sorry for her.
I know her situation is less than ideal, but it’s all she’s ever known so why would I pity her? She doesn’t need pity. In fact, I know it annoys her when people try too hard or overcompensate because they feel sorry for here. She just wants someone to believe in her. I have always held her to high standards because I want her to understand and believe she is completely capable of meeting them, just like the kid from a “normal” happy family. Coming from a broken family may be a pain in the butt, but its certainly not a crutch.
I don’t “try” very hard.
Like at all. I’m just me. And when she’s here, I still just do me. She can love it or hate it. That’s her business not mine. And as callous as it may sound, I don’t really care if she likes me or not. That ship sailed along time ago. But I do know that she loves me, and most importantly that she trusts me and that’s all that really matters to me.
I stand for truth.
100% of the time. I promise you that if you asked my stepdaughter about me she would tell you that I always tell the truth, even when its not pretty. Of course there are certain situations where the “truth” is not appropriate, but majority of the time, it is. On the flip side of that, she knows that deception in any form will not be tolerated in my house. In her world, where there are way too many versions to every story and two houses with two different “realities,” I know without a doubt that I am that one person in her life that she knows will not make excuses and whose story story never changes.
I have high expectations.
Especially with my family members. Any attitudes or behaviors that we don’t tolerate in this family, will be shut down before my stepkid even makes it through the front door on transition days. My husband and I have a saying in this house, “Anyone who wants to be a part of this family better act like it.” And that goes for all of us. She is absolutely expected to act like a normal, full-time member of this family which includes respecting the privacy of this family as well as doing her part with chores, etc.
She knows I am her dad’s number one.
Now there are a lot of people who may disagree with this and think it sounds “mean” or “wrong,” but in this family we believe that next to our relationship with God, marriage is our number one priority, always. No matter who came first-the kids or the spouse. I can assure you that my stepdaughter wouldn’t dream of saying one negative word about me to my husband, because both of our kids know that nobody messes with Dad’s old lady. That being said, she simply doesn’t hold the power to cause division in our marriage and she knows it.